One thing I like more than happy and content people is happy and content me – not even because it’s so pleasant, but because the opposite state is so terribly disagreeable.
I have low tolerance to eternally unhappy and moaning people. Once the type of “walking disaster” triggered in me the feeling of compassion; now – it brings irritation and at times – anger… So when I’m like this myself, I cannot take myself, which is quite a complicated situation. I have nowhere to go then and nothing to do with myself… It’s a bit like being on the ship – you realise you are sea-sick, but you’re already on the open sea and you cannot quite slam the door and say: “I’m leaving!”
My irritation in such situation is deepened by the fact that I am seen as cheerful and always happy person. Minimal signs of discontent appear, which is always the sign of concentration and being deep in thought, and… the questions begin: what’s wrong with you? What’s up? What happened?
Well, nothing happened. Such is my face. I look this way when I think or concentrate.
So when someone asks what is wrong in such situations – I don’t really have anything to say. Well, nothing – I look like that.
All this causes that, knowing of the forthcoming period of real unhappiness, periodic feeling of sadness or reflection on the meaning of life, I already start to be somehow anxious and scared, both of myself and those bloody questions. What’s wrong with you? Why long face? Why are you so sad? (I shall only add that I am in constant process of considering the meaning of my life and my own existence, so such periods of intensive thinking joined with descending to the underground of consciousness occur fairly regularly.)
Used to these questions, when such times come, I start first (the best form of defence is anticipating the attack).
‘Hey, Ewuś, sorry I’m like that today… a bit sad. I haven’t had the best time recently. We haven’t seen each other for a long time and I’d like to be joyful and happy (seriously, I terribly would), but I’m not. I’m sorry.’
‘No, come on. I’m glad you’re finally unhappy.’
Ok… I don’t know what to say… I did not expect such answer. Hours of my internal dialogues did not account for such option, so silence was my reply. And I was waiting for an explanation of this, at best, not very friendly reaction.
‘You are constantly jumping and giggling, there is constantly so much of you, that I sometimes wonder whether everything’s ok with you. I am glad that you’re unhappy, because then you’re calm, reflective. Not that you weren’t before, but now there is a certain depth in you.’
‘Well, but you know… I’m not happy. I’m sad. I don’t know what to do with it. What do with myself…’
‘Julia, come on. Happiness is overrated. Misfortune is good luck. All that is great emerged from misfortune and sorrow. Maybe it’s a bit unpleasant, but also very useful. So I am glad you’re unhappy, because I can finally see YOU!!’
All Buddhist teachers talk about the importance of sadness and misfortune in our life. All agree that it is part of life and ourselves. And rejection of anything that’s yours is a sign of aggression towards self and should not take place.
I read, I listened and… I still automatically apologised when I was not in a mood of a merry butterfly. But… When the student is ready the teacher will come.
You can hear something many times, read it, but one-time experience of the fact that someone not only accepts you in the state you are, but also thinks it an advantage not disability, made me feel that happiness is overrated and sorrow – not appreciated.
I still like happiness, but I begin to see it in sadness, too. I am a lot more careful then. I am more emphatic and willing to change my mind (vs. being stubborn like a donkey). I can see more shades of emotions and move from the automatic mode to mindfulness mode (I really don’t know how to say it in Polish, so sorry for this language). Then I am also quieter and think more about what I can do to change myself and the world for the better. The key is to not treat your misfortune from the perspective of a victim and as a necessary evil. Sorrow or lack of up-and-down-jumping excitement can be very inspiring and calming. This is why once in a while I accept it with humility and I wish the same to you. And even more, I wish you friends who will teach you to not apologise for being as you are…
During my one-week series of sadness I wrote 16 posts. For comparison – in my normal, non-hyperactive state of happiness I write maximum 2, maybe 3 articles, when Karolina L. threatens me with deadlines, sanctions and mercilessly triggers off my guilty conscience.
