A child shouldn’t be the one to pass you a glass of water or to keep you company and support you financially when you get old.
A child isn’t your backup plan. At least it shouldn’t be.
What do you need your child for?
Just in case I lose my mind of tiredness and lack of sleep blurs my thinking, on the first page of “The Diary of Wilde’s First Things” I wrote:
You do not owe me anything.
I wrote it to remember that Wilde is our decision and a gift from the universe.
It’s my responsibility to take care of him night and day because he didn’t ask anyone to come to this world. I knew what I was signing up for (well, truth be told, Fergus had a better touch with reality, but my lack of imagination wasn’t Wilde’s fault). That’s why no matter what I do, I do it with love and without expecting anything in return.
You are my son, but you don’t belong to me.
None of us wants to have a submissive child, who’s a conformist and says yes to everything, yet we demand from it to be submissive to us. Well, it doesn’t work this way. A child can’t be one way with you – and another – with others.
Each and every person is like a DHL package – take it as it is or send it back.
You cannot take just a little bit and send the rest back
Our role, as a parent, is to follow our child… Strengthen it. Help it grow. Not mold it in a way that suits us best.
If you don’t want your child to go to therapy just to feel loved and accepted, offer it unconditional love and acceptance yourself. Otherwise, that will resemble a transaction straight from a local market: “I will change your diaper if you pass me a glass of water when I get old” or “I won’t go to work to take care of you if you support me financially when I retire”.
A child doesn’t owe you anything. Not even a glass of water.
Make sure your baby knows that – so that it feels freedom and space. So that it knows that its value is in just BEING, not in being a backup plan for your old days.