Control freak 1

As any control freak I have been denying the fact that I am one for a long time. ME – I don’t control and definitely not obsessively. People are simply not as organised, thorough or un-forgetful as I am so #BetterCheckEverythingMyself.
Until one day. I set out for a journey with my friend, Kasia K., who is the opposite of a control freak. Luckily for me, she is also a very tolerant person and she takes everything in a  fun way . So when everyone had finally stopped telling me that I am a control freak every five minutes I have realised that I totally am one! Absolutely and impossibly! How do people tolerate me? How do I tolerate myself?

Every change of plan has got across me and set off inadequately intense emotions, but especially  inadequate discontent with changes even for better.
After I couldn’t stop the change I used to go to the next stage, namely to the aggressive reaction, either active – anger or passive – crying.
Thanks to the fact that I had the most chilled out person you can imagine next to me, I have finally understood that I had probably taken it too far. But I couldn’t stop. So I apologised again and again. To which Kasia, like Kasia, said: “But it doesn’t bother me. I’m ok with it, and it’s only funny sometimes when you get angry so much about such a small things. If you feel bad about this, you can try to change it. I can help you with that, but not because it bothers me but because it does bother you”.
What she did for me was priceless.

1. She didn’t expect anything from me – she made that clear from the beginning. She didn’t care if I’d change or not. She was fine with how I was. She would simply be happier if I was happier.
2. She wasn’t irritated when I was irritated – so she didn’t follow me in my back hole and , able to see the absurdity of my behaviour  much quicker. Whenever there was space for it (namely, when the level of my emotions wasn’t comparable to Mount Everest) she simply made laugh of the situation. And she used to say she was glad that I got that angry because I was a source of entertainment when she got bored.
3. Never ever did she throw back at my face the fact that I didn’t stick to my resolution. And when I felt guilty whenever I was really falling off the wagon, she used to say, “Rome wasn’t built in one day, give yourself some time”.
4. She was always rechanneling my attention to the positive aspects of the change so that I could focus on the pros instead of the cons.

That bubble of unconditional friendship and love made it possible for the change in my life to start. And the annual several-months trips were favourable to it. And they finally led to me starting to dislike planning!
I have also learnt a different kind of mathematics. I still don’t manage my anger with changes very well but I have observed that when I don’t plan, I have fewer occasions for such anger. So this is a very practical elimination of this emotion from my life.
I had planned my first trip very thoroughly. I knew exactly where to and with whom I’d go. Less than a half of these plans succeeded.
The second trip was planned only in some part – the first month. The plans succeeded in 70%.
For the third one I planned two weeks and the plans succeeded in 100%. Two weeks at the meditation course so it’d be strange if it wasn’t 100%.
And because the appetite grows the more results you see –  I start having a dream.
What if I didn’t plan at all, kept in mind what I like, what I want to see and I saw how it’d go. Because more than control over my life  –  I like when everything is exacly as I like it :).
One way ticket – it’s my solution for the lack of necessity for planning.
I will write about what I did with this idea in a couple of days 🙂 .

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