Do you also have these moments when you suffer, you think the problem will go away and that it’s not a big deal and then: BOOM! – biopsy, hospital, surgery… and: “why didn’t you come sooner?”?
Well, I don’t want to find myself in such situation.
For a while I’ve been having my small heart attacks. When it only hurt it didn’t bother me too much. I clenched my teeth and suffered and a moment later it was gone. But then I started having dyspnoeic attacks. At first I had trouble breathing, but later… It got worse. But I still thought that it was happening rarely enough for me not to worry. And there came a moment when I started getting not enough air. I couldn’t catch my breath. I felt like a carp during Christmas Eve dinner in Poland, taken out of the bathtub and waiting for its fate… I still thought it was no big deal, but… The pain was bad enough and the anxiety related to the fact that a minute longer and I could suffocate was so great that I decided to visit a cardiologist.
Usually I have no reservations about going to see a doctor. I’m a total master of perfection and I will gladly check, find and cure everything. But a cardiologist? It’s not like I’m 80 years old or something… Unless my stressful life or nervous personality aged me so badly, that I actually am somehow. Maybe it’s high time…
So I went.
“What is your ailment, miss?”
“Doctor… I think that something serious I happening to me and it’s high time to admit it.”
“What’s happening?”
“I think that I might be close to getting a heart attack…”
“Interesting… So, you are getting close but you haven’t had one yet?”
“No, I haven’t, but I’m getting warnings – that is why I decided to come and have you check what’s wrong with me and how to handle it.”
I saw his eyes saying: “I HATE GOOGLE!!! I studied for 6 years and she needs only a couple of minutes to make a diagnosis.”
Yet, he was very kind and probably used to people performing online diagnostics on themselves, so he approached the matter seriously and listened to the whole history of my illness.
“Alright, let’s examine you and check how many years of life you have left…”
He listened to something, affixed something else…
Half an hour later I was waiting for my sentence.
“Well?” I asked…
“Do you get these symptoms often?”
“No, but when I do, they’re pretty vexing.”
“Does it happen in stressful situations?”
“I guess not.”
“Does it happen when life hurts too much?”
I was wondering whether he was trying to make me laugh. But this was very serious.
“I don’t know, probably yes… I haven’t noticed.”
“Do you lead an intensive lifestyle?”
What kind of questions are these??? I’m not on lying on a chaise longue, am I? Well, I am, but not on the one that would be related to being asked such questions… It’s surely something serious and he is preparing me to my favourite conversation – avoid stress, sleep longer, enjoy life and take your pills.
“Ms. Julia, everyone leads an intensive life, but I think you’re adding extra intensity to yours.”
“What do you mean?”
“That you agonize over everything too much.”
“Does it mean it’s something serious…?”
“Oh, very! We will have to ask another doctor for help because I’m unable to help you.”
At that moment I had one question pulsating in my head: is this a heart cancer??? No, wait, there’s no such thing… But why do I need to go to another doctor?
“Well, Ms. Julia… Physiologically your heart is perfectly healthy, but as for other scars… That is, sadly, not my field of expertise…”
I have a few ways to make sure that only a cardiologist has to deal with my heart:
- Being close to the nature
- Finding a hobby
- Enjoying the little beautiful things
- Being happy
- Being open to new acquaintances and stories of other people
- Caring for one’s own spiritual journeys
- Having a job that one loves
- Giving yourself space for everything – mistakes, fun, reflection, dying, happiness and misery
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