What to do when somebody doesn’t understand you

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I love people.
I also love no people

Having people around means 100% awareness and focus on the other person.

Listening to facts and emotions and processing them. Making sure that they know and feel important for you,  that they are the only beings present in your universe at this moment. .
The intensity, responsibility and how much you give in a relationship can vary. But if you’re not the greatest egocentric in the world you always give some part of yourself.

My company is a service company.

Sure, you can call it differently. You can say it’s a research or marketing company, but at the end of the day what it provides SERVICE to the  client.
My job is to take care about other person – it is .The essence of what we do.
First it is our Client.
Then the Purchasing Department.
Then the Client again.
Then our informers (known better as the subjects).
And finally it’s the Client once more.
The only thing you do alone is writing the report.
Thus, we are on duty all the time, myself included – we sell our knowledge, our time and awareness TO other people.
That’s work.
Outside of work I am in service too.

Because I’m a psychologist, people often feel obligated to tell me about all the problems – not only they one they have now but also all problems that have troubled them since they were born.
It is looked like they feel I’m some kind of psychological police and they have to tell me all of this before I squeeze it all out of them anyway.
So,  often they tell me everything, before I have chance to ask a question.
Sometimes I don’t  have enough time and space for that – especially if it is somebody I hardly know.
I am not very good with telling in a kind but direct way that it’s all very interesting and important, but  I don’t really want to know or talk about it.
Maybe because it’s usually followed by: “I’ve never told this to anyone, but…” or “you must know as a psychologist – What do you think it means when…”.

In order to be a giver and to love  people  – we all need sometimes to empty  our mind and be alone. Totally alone. Some people less. Some more. I need more and It’s important to me.
The reason why its so important to listen to yourself is because overloaded mind becomes dangerous, acerbic, unpleasant, not aware enough, demanding, mean.
If you want to care for others you have to care about yourself first – just like it said on the airplanes.
That’s why I need to hide in the end of the world once in a while. A place with nothing and nobody.
Once I’ve been almost literally at the end of the world – in Columbia, in the northernmost point in South America, a desert, where tribe called  Guyana lives.

I was staying in Cabo Playa – in hammocks prepared for not so many tourist that come there.
It was super low season. So, next to people working there (four) and natives who were coming to sell some fish and handmade bags twice a day, it was just me there.
It would be almost perfect if not for the fact that I ALWAYS was accompanied by someone. Next to my hammock they hung another one and it was occupied by the handyman, the cook, the cook’s assistant or… the handyman again.
I like all of the them VERY much, but I really wanted to be alone.
So, after a few days I told them, as gently and explicitly as I could, what was my motivation for being there: thinking, meditating, writing. That I chose that place because NO ONE was supposed to be there and I could be all alone.
Everyone nodded with understanding.
I always knew direct communication was fundamental. People understand it and appreciate your honesty.
“Julia,  we understand. What you think – maybe we’ll move your hammock next to ours so that you don’t feel lonely? You’ll feel better in a company – what’s the point of sitting alone like that? We’ll chat, eat something, watch TV together – it’s always better than sitting alone.”

Well,  I guess direct communication  it not solution  for everything.
The message has to be adjusted to its recipient. People can only accept as much as their space allows. And they can understand things only to the extent their concepts allow it.

The idea that being “ALONE” can be something desirable basically doesn’t exist among Latino people.
The more we study Polish people in IZMALKOWA the more I know that in Poland this concept is similarly poorly developed. Being alone means being lonely. Or weird. Or weary of life. Liking means that is somethong wrong with you that you gave a probmes.

Polish Idea is very similar to Latinos – there is no connection between Alone and joy of staying in a good company.

ALONE, as in purifying oneself.
ALONE, as in accumulating energy.
ALONE, as in focusing on oneself in order to set oneself straight.
ALONE, as in by one’s choice – not because of some unfortunate circumstances.

From the psychological point of view this concept is even more alien to women than it is to men. Women are biologically more reflective so they solve many problems and difficulties through communication and relationships. Therefore even in difficult moments they prefer going on holidays together with a friend.
They prefer drinking wine with a friend.
And therefore it is hard for them to understand when a man prefers spending time alone – they take it personally.
It is not like women  have bad intentions they simply have dofferent concept. If women  don’t have such a need themselves they find it hard to understand how such a need can exist.that is why they understand it the only way they can (from their own concept): he doesn’t want me or doesn’t need me and that’s why he runs away.

This is why I know that it is the easiest to communicate with people it to find what is their concet and and talk through THEIR not yours mental map.
Thaty means decipline of not using our own concepts authomaticly
I used to be this kind of woman who experienced a tsunami of anxiety whenever her partner told her that he needs to go on holidays alone.
Without me? Have I done something wrong? How can he? Why?
It had been like that until I felt that I also have this kind of need – I was perceiving everything through the filter of my own concepts and needs.
So whenever we say that the other person doesn’t understand us, we should tell them that they don’t know our concepts and that’s why they’re unable to hear what is important to us. So, assuming good intentions on both parts, before we start explaining, attacking or lamenting to God how the other sex is unbearably different, we should sit down calmly and consider what the difference between our concepts is about.
And how can one person present their concept to the other in a safe and convincing manner.

My method for Columbians was… fishing. I started going fishing with the natives and we spent time together on a boat in silence. In total silence, but not alone. That was acceptable to them. And when I was coming back in the afternoon they brought me food and said: “Have some rest darling – we’ll talk tomorrow.”

A few hours spent with the fishermen qualified me as a normal person. I made a conscious choice to be with a living human being – so I could be crossed out from the list of potential suicidals.
We are a collection of concepts. If someone doesn’t understand us, it’s because we haven’t been able to reach THEIR CONCEPT.
So… Let’s get to work. If you want to be efficient – listen, analyse and don’t get annoyed when someone doesn’t understand you.

It always takes 2 people to reach agreement.


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